When Your Child Comes Out as LGBTQ+: The Gap Between Ideal and Reality

Dentsu Inc. conducted its fifth annual "LGBTQ+ Survey 2023" last year. This series analyzes the survey results from various perspectives (see the previous article here ).

The survey found that 9.7% of respondents identified as LGBTQ+. This figure represents not only friends and colleagues in private and social circles, but also the possibility that one's own child could be LGBTQ+.

Survey Participants: 2023 / 20-59 years old, 57,500 people; 2020 / 20-59 years old, 60,000 people; 2018 / 20-59 years old, 60,000 people

How would you feel if your child came out to you as LGBTQ+?

The 2023 survey included questions about having an LGBTQ+ child and questions for parents of LGBTQ+ children—a first for an "LGBTQ+ survey." The results revealed a gap between ideal and reality.

I believe these results indicate that challenges remain not with the parents themselves, but with the surrounding environment and societal attitudes. Based on the survey findings, we will introduce the perspectives of parents with LGBTQ+ children and what they seek from their surroundings and society.

*This survey was conducted primarily by the dJ Sustainability Promotion Office, an organization within dentsu Japan of the Dentsu Group, with the cooperation of Dentsu Diversity Lab, which conducts research and provides solutions on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) issues.
〈Table of Contents〉
▼The Gap Between Ideal and Reality in Parents' Perceptions
▼Changes in Supportive Actions by Parents of LGBTQ+ Children
▼What They Seek: Support from Their Surroundings and Society

The Gap Between Ideal and Reality in the Perceptions of Parents of LGBTQ+ Children

83.8% of LGBTQ+ non-parties responded, "Even if my child were LGBTQ+, I would want to treat them with love." This shows the vast majority hold a desire to "support" them. However, when parents of LGBTQ+ children themselves were asked the same question, the score dropped to 66.8%. Furthermore, only 67.4% of parents of LGBTQ+ children responded, "Even if there might be difficulties as a sexual minority, I want to support my child's life to the fullest."

Non-LGBTQ+ individuals hold the idealistic desire to "support" minorities, but when they actually have a child who is LGBTQ+, the proportion of those who want to "support" them decreases. These results reveal a disconnect between ideal and reality. Becoming the parent of an LGBTQ+ child may introduce unforeseen difficulties and barriers.

For example, 56.5% of parents of LGBTQ+ children responded, "I feel it is difficult for families with LGBTQ+ members to live in the area where I live." Meanwhile, only 40.3% of LGBTQ+ individuals themselves responded, "I feel it is difficult for LGBTQ+ individuals to live in the area where I live." While regional differences exist, this result shows that the families of LGBTQ+ individuals feel the difficulty of living there more acutely than the individuals themselves.

Additionally, 51.3% reported "not having anyone around them to consult about worries concerning their child's gender identity or sexual orientation," and 53.9% stated "they sometimes lie or feel awkward when asked about their child by people who don't know their child is part of a sexual minority." This suggests they feel a sense of difficulty living due to internalizing their child's struggles.

Among parents of affected children, some may have genuinely felt the anxiety and difficulty from a perspective close to their child's, only to have their desire to support their child weaken as they internalized these burdens.

Changes in Supportive Actions by Parents of LGBTQ+ Children

While some families experience a weakening of the desire to "support" their child, the survey also revealed an increasing number of families showing changes in supportive actions toward LGBTQ+ individuals. Regarding everyday actions, "I try to use gender-neutral terms like 'partner' or 'lover' instead of 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'" was reported by 17.0% of non-LGBTQ+ parents, compared to 38.3% of parents with LGBTQ+ children – more than double.

Furthermore, while 6.7% of non-LGBTQ+ parents reported "participating in or helping with LGBTQ+ events like Rainbow Pride Parades," 26.9% of parents with LGBTQ+ children did so. When asked, "Do you actively use products or services from companies that support LGBTQ+ people?", 44.0% of non-LGBTQ+ parents answered "yes," compared to 61.1% of parents with LGBTQ+ children. This indicates a shift not only in everyday actions but also in societal engagement to support LGBTQ+ individuals.

Furthermore, while 8.0% of non-LGBTQ+ individuals reported having "experienced regret after unintentionally hurting an LGBTQ+ friend or acquaintance through words or actions," 28.5% of parents with LGBTQ+ children reported the same. This suggests that behind the shift in actions, there was also a trigger for individuals to reevaluate their own words and behavior.

This shift toward supportive actions shows that LGBTQ+ inclusion awareness is becoming a personal matter for many through their children. It's true that in a society where LGBTQ+ individuals face anxiety and difficulties, their parents may also experience similar struggles. However, the survey results reveal that many families are taking action (or feel compelled to take action) to make life easier for their children. And these families are not few in number.

What they seek is support from their community and society

So what do parents of LGBTQ+ children want from society?

Regarding expectations for schools: "Teachers and club activity leaders should acquire basic knowledge about LGBTQ+ issues." and "We want schools to adopt gender-neutral gym uniforms and sportswear (like less revealing swimsuits)." Regarding the media, they expressed desires for inclusive changes in areas that influence their children's value formation, such as: "We want the media to stop using gender identity and sexual orientation as punchlines in jokes (like 'homo jokes')" and "We want the media to stop reporting on celebrities' private lives based on outdated gender and family views."

Additionally, the survey results show that about 70% of respondents stated, "I would appreciate it if people continued to treat me the same way even after I told them my child is part of the sexual minority." This indicates a desire for support from those around them.

As mentioned at the beginning, this survey found that 9.7% of respondents identified as LGBTQ+. While this figure depends on whether individuals have come out, it suggests that 20-30% of society—including parents of LGBTQ+ individuals—may experience anxiety or difficulties in their lives.

As introduced in the previous article, society still presents numerous situations where individuals experience anxiety and difficulties. While this article focused on survey results from parents of LGBTQ+ individuals, it became clear that these parents also feel similar anxieties and hardships, and some are taking action to demand a more inclusive society.

Such actions can drive change toward an inclusive society. This change benefits not only individuals with disabilities themselves, but also their parents, children who may one day live with disabilities, and the parents of those children—ultimately making life easier for many people.

[Survey Overview]
"Dentsu Inc. LGBTQ+ Survey 2023" Overview
Survey Sponsor: dJ Sustainability Promotion Office
Survey Cooperation: Dentsu Inc. Diversity Lab

＜Screening Survey＞
 Survey Participants: 57,500 individuals aged 20–59
 Survey Area: Nationwide
 Survey Period: June 14–19, 2023
 Survey Method: Internet survey

＜Main Survey＞
 Survey Participants: 6,240 individuals aged 20–59 (600 LGBTQ+ individuals / 5,640 non-LGBTQ+ individuals)
 Survey Area: Nationwide
 Survey Period: June 14–19, 2023
 Survey Method: Online survey

*Weighting was applied by prefecture, gender, and age group (20s-30s / 40s-50s) to align the proportion of LGBTQ+ individuals with the population distribution.
*Weighting was not applied to data regarding parents of LGBTQ+ individuals due to the small number of responses.