Common questions asked during parental leave

This time it's in a Q&A format.

My childcare leave is now less than two months remaining. Thanks to everyone, my daughter Kokeko is about to safely reach her half-year milestone.

Lately, we've started solid foods. Besides the so-called "10-fold porridge" (rice to water ratio 1:10), we boil, mash, and strain things like pumpkin, carrots, potatoes, komatsuna greens, turnips, and bananas, then say, "Here, open wide." After a few chews and a brief pause, Kokeko breaks into a big, beaming smile.
I can't help but think: could anyone possibly tell such a creature, like SMAP's "Lion Heart" (*1), that they're "the second most loved thing in the world"? I couldn't do it.

Now, this time, I'd like to proceed by answering a few "frequently asked questions." These are all things I'm often asked by friends and acquaintances.

Wait, wasn't the first-person pronoun for this column supposed to be "I"? Readers who've been following the series might be thinking that. You're right. But just this once, I'm going with "I." The reason is simple: I've become a father myself, so I figured it's about time I could say "I" without hesitation.

Q1. Honestly, how are the money issues?

First up, this catchy and raw question.
As I wrote in Part 3, during parental leave, you stop getting a salary from your company and rely on benefits from the public employment office. Your income drops, right? (※2)
But I expected expenses to drop significantly too. After all, opportunities to "go out for fun"—including dining out and shopping—would decrease dramatically.

But when we actually looked at the numbers, our expenses didn't decrease that much!
First, there are expenses that keep flowing out relentlessly, regardless of whether you're on leave or not getting paid. These are "mortgage payments" and "resident tax."
Resident tax was especially a blind spot. As you know, this is calculated based on income as of January the previous year. You have to pay resident tax calculated assuming you were receiving a salary, even after that salary stops—which is quite painful right now (*3).

Then, utility bills over these five months were about 1.4 times higher than last year. A couple who used to work full-time and weren't home during the day suddenly became home 24/7. And since we went from summer straight into winter, that's only natural.

Furthermore, since starting parental leave, various unavoidable "bigger purchases" have cropped up. A cordless vacuum cleaner (the old one suddenly broke. Was it jealous of the baby?), a baby carrier, a play mat, a stroller (the rental pram we were using became too small for Kokeko), formula and diapers (the total cost is no joke), and so on.

That's all. If only it were that simple, but desire won't let me stop. Somehow, I keep clicking away online for all sorts of little things (household goods, tableware, books, kids' clothes, etc.). More often than before parental leave!
Even without leaving home—or rather, precisely because I can't leave—my shopping urges seem to swell in reaction. It's the "Cradle and Shopping Cart Law." I just made that up.

Meanwhile, the benefits are paid every two months. For someone used to a monthly salary, that alone makes me impatient—"Not yet? Hey, not yet?"—but the real miscalculation was that "in reality, the time lag is even longer than two months."
Exchanging paperwork between myself, my company, and the public employment office takes time. In my case, it took 88 days from starting parental leave until the first payment arrived. That means roughly three months with zero income.

Conclusion: If you plan to take three months or more of childcare leave, it's wise to set aside at least "three months' worth of your base salary" for this purpose. That's what helped me get through it.

Illustration: Yuki Miyake, Second CR Planning Bureau

Q3. Has your relationship changed?

Last year, when a friend told my wife, "Having a baby will probably change your relationship too, right?" she apparently retorted (in her mind), "It's not like we're that kind of couple where having a kid would change things!" How reassuring! But what's the reality?

We've been together quite a while, but we'd never spent so many consecutive weeks together, morning to night. Now, while opportunities for just the two of us alone have almost vanished, the time we spend together is longer than ever. It feels strange.

It's not so much because we have a child, but because we're constantly in each other's space, minor differences between us tend to surface more easily. In other words, I feel like there are more moments of getting annoyed or annoying each other than before parental leave.
Just one example: when we put the stroller in the elevator. We don't quite sync up on the level of how we move around, and I think, ah, she's annoyed right now.

While our relationship itself hasn't changed, my shortcomings compared to my wife have become more apparent.
For example, I'll say, "I'll watch the baby," then fall asleep. Or I'll start nodding off while feeding the baby, making my wife angry.
It's just that my familiar shortcomings are now more easily exposed in a "childcare version." But because we're both tired and it involves the child's safety, things get a bit tense.

So what do I do in those moments? I talk to Kokeko and escape.
It rarely escalates into a fight. Since I'm always the one at fault, there's no basis for an argument. It feels kinda unfair. If she's at fault, it's probably in this unfairness (justifying myself).

Of course, spending all this time together brings great rewards, but I've already written about that.

Once, I tried leaving Kokeko at a private childcare service for just three hours (*10). Then, as a couple alone, we thoroughly enjoyed a restaurant lunch course. However, when dropping her off and picking her up, seeing my child looking up at me anxiously made me feel "I'm really sorry." It was the moment I realized we wouldn't be able to freely enjoy time alone together for quite a while.

Q4. Doesn't taking childcare leave hinder your career advancement?

Another brutally blunt yet pop question.
If "career advancement" means getting promoted, I honestly don't know how it actually works. Sorry. Does it vary by department or job type?

What I aim for is gaining new perspectives as a copywriter. And after returning to work, exploring new projects and ways of working. While these don't seem directly tied to promotion, professionally, you could call it stepping up, right? I think this approach is valid—taking a break from work can, in a way, lead to new career opportunities (maybe?).

Is this only applicable to creative roles or the advertising industry? I'd really like to hear opinions or experiences saying, "No, no, it applies to other fields too."

Well, maybe I can say this because I'm at a certain stage in my career now. Back when I was a junior constantly being pulled along by others' pace, even setting aside career advancement, leaving my position vacant for half a year would have been much more unsettling. I'd worry about losing my identity as a copywriter, or feeling left behind by my peers.

Taking parental leave is fine regardless of age or seniority, but I don't want to irresponsibly tell younger people, "Don't worry about your place." Because it does matter. What you prioritize at that time will ultimately depend on each person's values.

Q5. By the way, have you gained weight?

I've gained about 3.5kg over these past five months. It's inevitable since I'm getting less exercise and sleep than when I was commuting to work. If only I could split this weight gain evenly with Kokeko (her weight gain has plateaued), it would be a win-win for both father and daughter!
Before paternity leave, I thought, "I'll swim at the gym!" But where on earth would I find the time?

Come to think of it, a colleague warned me before leave: "Once you lose that 'after-work drink,' alcohol won't taste as good." Total lie! Actually, drinks during childcare breaks are delicious (*13). Since I can drink during the day too, my alcohol intake has actually increased. And so, my weight keeps climbing.

Parental leave isn't for straight-A students

There's a lot to it, but yeah, that's the gist. Even though it's called parental leave, I hope you can see it's far from some perfect image of family and childcare.

But, half self-justification, half genuine belief: parental leave isn't just for the parenting model students (or the "highly conscious types").
It's for people like us—ordinary folks everywhere—who want to parent this way, yet still flounder, make mistakes, slack off, overlook important things, and still strive to move forward positively with their families. Oh, I said "us."
Rather than aiming for perfection, it'd be great if we could just pursue what feels right for our own family.

Next time will be the last installment of this monthly series. However, I plan to write about life after returning to work on an irregular basis (*14). Please continue to be kind.

※1
"Lion Heart" is a single released by SMAP in 2000. The lyrics can be read as a message to a spouse and children. The lyrics were written by screenwriter Shinji Nojima.

※2
For parental leave periods of up to 6 months, an amount equivalent to 67% of the base salary is paid, calculated on a daily pro-rata basis. For periods exceeding 6 months, this rate drops to 50%.

※3
Resident tax is not deducted monthly (since there is no salary to deduct it from), so you pay several months' worth collectively at the ward office counter. Of course, since this half-year was unpaid, the following year's resident tax is reduced, so it evens out.

※4
"Pochi" refers to clicking to purchase and pay for something online. In this day and age, loosening the purse strings means loosening the index finger that clicks.

※5
While our household practices mixed feeding, if the interval between feedings exceeds four hours, my wife's breasts tend to become engorged and painful.

※6
The point when the child no longer needs breast milk and fully transitions to "regular meals." While weaning often happens around 1-2 years old, this is entirely individual.

※7
If you're thinking, "Isn't it the 4-hour window from 11 PM to 3 AM?", please be sure to read Part 2 of this series.

※8
The video streaming service, Netflix. With new and old titles that pique your interest being added nonstop like this, you start wondering how much of it you'll ever get to watch in your lifetime.

※9
Specifically, NYLON100℃'s new work "Wait a Moment, Please." The Tokyo performance ran at the Honda Theater from November 10 to December 3, 2017.

※10
We used a childcare center specializing in temporary care. We applied a discount through the company's welfare service, "Benefit Station." In our case, the usage fee was even lower than facilities partnered with the ward, and the required paperwork was simple, making it very easy to use.

※11
Fifteen years in. On the other hand, I do feel that physically, I'm at a significant disadvantage compared to my twenties when it comes to childcare.

※12
Win-Win refers to a situation where both parties involved gain benefits.

※13
If my wife were someone who enjoyed alcohol, would I have been a bit more restrained in my drinking?

※14
This is because only by sharing experiences after returning to work can one truly convey the full picture of childcare "leave."